Is anyone else’s gym or Pilates class inundated with an excess of people right now, or is that just me? I know this is to be expected, but many of the new faces I am seeing right now will not be there in 8 weeks time, so I will just have to make due. It’s not that I mind shifting around my exercise routine while weight racks and treadmills are occupied. I know from personal experience that many people fall off of their well-intentioned goal paths after a couple of months. What moved me from being in this group into the group of regulars is because of adjusting how I viewed my goals.

When we’re young, our parents observe what motivates us to complete a task, be that clapping and “woo-hoo-ing”, our favorite toy, or a piece of food. As we get older, our goals shift from learning how to walk and talk to academic or athletic accomplishments. It is somewhere during this time of our early childhood that we start to understand what we need to do to get us that perfect test score, score a goal, or win a blue ribbon. We learn the importance of taking notes or observing, practicing on our own or with our teams, and to do our best. And for the most part, this works. We rise to the tops of classes, add a new trophy to our shelf, and share high-fives and hugs with our team. If we don’t get 1st, we get told it’s because we did not try hard enough, or must not have wanted it as much as our competitors. This is where that all or nothing mindset can start to take shape and follow us into our social, romantic, and professional lives. We start to gaslight ourselves into believing the opinions of people who, frankly, weren’t in the competition themselves. Why do we let someone outside of ourselves tell us how we feel or who we are? Heck, sometimes it takes me a while to wrap my head around how I feel about something. The truth is, we know the effort that we put in, the hours spent studying, practicing, putting together a project. Just because we did not get that promotion or hit a personal goal is not for lack of effort, just showing up and dedicating time shows where our desire lies. I choose to believe that there is great value in reflecting on that path that didn’t lead to the top, and being self-supportive. Acknowledge that you showed up, that you worked towards something, and that you were able to be open and reflective when you did not succeed. When you become your biggest cheerleader, you don’t give that power to others, and you will find that you start to care less about a glib or discrediting remark. And in some cases, you’ll have the opportunity to try again, especially with personal goals like improving your mile time or learning a new language or skill. You are in control of the goalpost, and no one will notice if that moves back. The point is that you are taking consistent steps towards the finish line.

Here’s a personal example from my life I can share: I have had an ongoing goal of improving my upper body strength, and wanted to achieve this by lifting weights. The only soul who knew of this was myself and my husband. Yes it took time; there would be periods away due to travel, busy schedules, or the occasional illness. There would be times I would go to the gym, ready to kick butt, and my motivation would peter out so that I only walked on the treadmill and stretched. There would be other times where my motivation increased, allowing me to get in an extra set or even move up in weight. While I didn’t have a set date or weight to measure by, that didn’t stop my intrusive thoughts from creeping in to wear me down for not doing “my best” or for taking a break. For me, the way I banished this was with regular self-affirming talk. I would literally swing back at the negativity with thoughts like “I am proud of how my body moved today”, or “I love this feeling of becoming stronger”, or “I didn’t finish what I thought I’d do, and that’s okay”. Over a long period of time, the intrusive thoughts would get quieter and less frequent, and eventually died. Because there was no negativity to keep them alive. Accountability, sure, but I no longer am hostess to senseless and cruel internal dialogue.

So, I hope that you keep showing up, and become the number one fan of your own self-love club.